The only way I can describe my first heartbreak is by comparing it to the first time I rode my bike down a big hill while visiting my grandparents in Estonia. It was something new, and I felt like I could accomplish anything, even though I was terrified and had butterflies in my stomach; the feeling completely encompassed me and I was excited… until halfway down the hill I realize how fast I was going, and that I actually had no idea how to stop the bike. This best describes the point in the relationship when I realized things were going sour but still tried to hold on to it, hoping that things would turn out how I’d planned in my head. Unfortunately, in both my relationship and biking incident, I ended up crashing and burning, lol. No matter how I tried to steer the bike or the relationship, the inevitable still happened; I could only try to make it hurt less.
However, just because it was painful, doesn't mean it wasn't an experience worth having. When it comes to first heart breaks, there is a lot to forgive and be thankful for, especially if you want to gain something from it.
Forgive him for having dumb friends (because as funny as they thought it was to make that joke, we all know how ridiculous it was — they were no Jim Carrey).
Forgive him for any anniversaries or birthdays he missed, because when that new guy comes along and makes a big deal out of every date and birthday you celebrate together, you can let yourself smile in the knowledge that you've found someone that makes your happiness a priority.
Forgive him for being too young to realize what he had, because now you've learned to hold yourself at top shelf value, and are on your way to finding someone who will only treat you like the best.
Forgive him for those times he said he'd call or text and never did because even though you might have initially been upset, think about how you spent that time: maybe it was picking up a new book to read, or going to a new restaurant with your best friends. You learned how to create a good situation out of something that might not have started out that way.
Forgive yourself for anything stupid you might have said because, to be honest, those lead to the good stories you tell your friends, and now you have only improved your flirting skills with boys. ;)
Forgive yourself for any passive aggressive text or tweet you might have sent because it felt good to get those feelings out!
Forgive yourself for all those times you lurked his Facebook and judged that new girl he met, when really you know you guys would have been awesome friends under different circumstances.
Thank your friends for being there to wipe away the tears, for bringing you that tub of ice cream, and making you laugh — for showing you there is no greater medicine than laugher, and friendship is worth more than money can buy.
Thank your family for always being there, whether they understood what you were going through at the time or not.
Thank your new guy for understanding how little or much he might know about your past, for not letting that dim any light he might see in you, and for letting you shine to your full potential.
Thank yourself for being stronger than you were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago; the heart knows no time, so for as long as it takes you to heal, give yourself that time!
This holiday season, thank yourself for having your first heart break and promise yourself you'll try a little more each day to let that old scar fade into just another life experience. There are so many other memories to be made, more laughter to be had, and more hills to overtake. Make the eight-year-old you that fell off her bike proud!
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A glimpse into my ever changing life through the words I've typed.